The Matzav Shmoooze: Two Possible Solutions to the Shidduch Crisis – The Theoretical One and the Practical One


shidduchim1Dear Editor,

This is a follow-up to the well-commented-on article earlier this week regarding the shidduch crisis.

At the beginning of last year, there was a kol koreh, an open letter, which was widely publicized and signed by nearly every major American Rosh Yeshiva. It stated that they have pinpointed the root cause of the shidduch crisis. They wrote that the “primary cause” of it is the age gap, the fact that boys marry girls that are several years younger than them. Since in any growing population there are always more younger people than older people, there are many more girls on the market than boys and therefore many girls cannot find a shidduch.

This was stated as a fact by our Roshei Yeshivos. In other words, the next time you are sitting by a table, and someone says, “You know why there’s a shidduch crisis, it’s because…” and they give one of the many explanations that have been tossed around over the years – “It’s because nowadays the girls are too picky,” or “there are more good boys than good girls”, or “it’s a gezeirah from shomayim, and there is absolutely no hishtadlus that can change the situation” – you have to carefully examine what they are unwittingly saying. They are saying that although there was a kol koreh signed by nearly every leading Rosh Yeshiva (66, to be exact), and they wrote that they had finally found the “primary reason” for the crisis, this person is saying, “I disagree with them. That is not the primary reason. There is another explanation for it.”

We are left with a “mathematical” problem – that the age gap of four years between the boys and the girls in the shidduch market  is just too large. There are only two mathematical solutions. Wither the girls wait until they are older to enter the market or the boys enter the market earlier. There is no doubt that either of these would drastically improve the current shidduch situation. However there is one very important point to consider: the fact that something makes sense mathematically is not enough. Which of these things can actually happen in real life? In other words, is it a theoretical solution or is it a practical solution?

The first option: The idea to have a “freezer” for the girls makes sense, and would definitely help tremendously, but it is very unlikely for it to ever occur. How will it happen? Which parent will volunteer that their daughter should be the “korbon”? Even if the gedolim sign a letter forbidding girls to date until they are 20, it is something that would be very hard to enforce. Parents are so nervous about their daughters becoming an “older single” that it would be very painful for them to have their daughters stay out of the shidduch market.

There is a variation of this solution which has been widely proposed, and that is that there should be an unofficial freezer. It wouldn’t be the girls that would volunteer to be “frozen,” but they would be frozen by the boys. In other words, the boys shouldn’t go out with younger girls, rather they should be encouraged to date girls who are closer their age. Additionally, the shadchanim should try to suggest older girls to the boys, instead of suggesting younger girls. This solution however, is only a partial one, as many boys will want to go out with the best girl that they can find, even if she happens to be a younger girl.

In short, the whole idea of trying to keep younger girls from the shidduch market – either by having a freezer, or by telling boys not to go out with younger girls – is a very good idea in theory, but it just isn’t so practical.

The second option: The other way to reduce the age gap is for boys to date when they are younger, perhaps when they are 21. They wouldn’t be the exact same age as the girls, but it still would drastically reduce the intensity of the shidduch crisis. This would require a major change – that most boys would not go to learn in Eretz Yisrael before they are married. This change would remove the tremendous pain of thousands of girls who are desperate for a shidduch.

The advantage to this solution is that it is very practical. It can happen in real life. Let me explain.

Most boys who go Eretz Yisroel go the very large yeshivos. Usually the majority of the boys from their American yeshiva stick together and go to a specific yeshiva. Every few years there is a new smaller yeshiva that opens up – usually from the Brisker derech – and there will be a core of bochurim from one or two yeshivos that form the nucleus of the yeshiva. If you ask around, why a particular group goes to a specific yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel, you will usually hear expressions like this:

“Reb Reuven sent his oilim to ….. this year”

“Reb Shimon told his oilam not to go to ….. this year, but instead to go to ……”

Although the boys’ roshei yeshivos are usually not very forceful in suggesting a specific yeshiva, nevertheless most bochurim take their suggestions very seriously. Bochurim have tremendous respect for their Roshei Yeshiva and they will follow his advice. Although many boys can sometimes lose their close connection after many years, nevertheless, at this point in their lives, a bochur’s Rosh Yeshiva has an enormous influence on him. If a Rosh Yeshiva would tell his boys that the shidduch crisis has reached a breaking point, and the boys should stay in America, it is hard to believe that a bochur would violate a direct command of his own Rosh Yeshiva.

If thousands of boys would stay in America, it would have an unbelievable impact on the shidduch market. It is hard to even imagine – but it would be possible for a girl’s parents to get a few phone calls a week, suggesting shidduchim for their daughters.
This solution is not just a mathematical theory. It is very practical.

Y. L.


The Matzav Shmoooze is a regular feature on that allows all readers to share a thought or analysis, long or short, one sentence or several paragraphs long, on any topic, for readers to mull over and comment on. Email submissions to

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  1. This would also require a way to keep all the young marrieds in kollel. Have the schols agree that tutors should come exclusevly from young marrieds. Additionally, an attmosphere of pas b’melach must be restablished- something doable with youngerr, idealistic, bochurim/yungerleit

  2. I dont think the Roshei Yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael would be very supportive of the idea as they would be left emptier and would be writing many more Kollel checks.

  3. I respectfully disagree the Bucharim will continue to go to eretz yisroel. even if their Rosh Hayishevos tell them to stay.

    But what i realy don’t understand is why aren’t we telling boys to get married at 18 or 19 years old, like the chasedim do.

  4. Sounds like a compelling idea. The suggestion brings also raises some questions for me.
    1. Are the boys ready for marriage? If not what could be done to help make that happen?
    2. I believe there is a machlokes in the gemora regarding whether it is preferable to get married first and then learn or vise versa. It seems to me the answer depends on the individual case. How about the boys for whom it would be better for them to spend the time learning first (talmud torah kneged kulam). Should that override the shiduch crisis in their case?

    In light of what I’ve said I am sure the gdolim and rohsei yeshivos take both the shidduch crisis and the value of learning Torah into account (as well as many other factors like having the boy grow and be better prepared for marriage). Again that is assuming the gdolim are making that chesbon

  5. 1 more thought: another advantages of boys getting married younger (which is the other side of the debate regarding to learn before or after marriage) is that it help protect them. Also younger people may be less set in their ways are more easily adapt to married life.

  6. please explain after all this why the problem did not exist 25 years ago
    why this problem does not exist by the chasidishe or the modern orthodox

  7. So, in order to solve the shidduch problem, boys should get married earlier, and shter their learning and growth in torah. Or become a greater burden on their parents at a younger age.
    This is without even taking into consideration the relative immaturity of many boys relative to girls of the same age. It may be that the cherem d’Rabbeinu Gershom, and that women B”H rarely die young in childbirth has created a demographic problem. It is hard to imagine that it should be solved by destroying the Torah growth of a generation of American bochurim by loading them with a raychayim b’tzavorom at a younger age.

  8. the whole shadchan/shidduch system is an outdated, corrupted and flawed system that only works for some people some of the time. (like wealthy folks, good looking etc.)

    It is this system that is primarily responsible for the shidduch crisis.

  9. The following two pronged appraoch is taking place as we speak.

    #1- generating tremendous shidduch and shadchan attention for girls who didn’t just start dating.

    #2- Create a ruach where boys beging dating slightly earlier.

    goal number one is being achived not by takanos, not by prohibiting younger girls from dating nor by insisting that shadchanim are “assur” or lose compensation if they make a shidduch for a girl under the age of 20.

    What is slowly but surely rolling across the North America is the concept of communities (and schools) appreciating and compensating people who set up dates for girls who didn’t just start dating (vague on purpose).

    This is already active in 4 communities and two schools and over the next few months it will be adopted by an additonal 5 large communites imy”H.

    The natural result (and the proof is in the pudding from the places where it is active) is a tremendous amount of shidduch attention for the girls who didn’t just start dating and thus far more dates and shidduchim for them.

    This is a extremely effective way of closing the age gap on the side of the girls by creating a ruach where boys will be redd to more girls who didn’t just start dating.

    Goal #2 is being accomplished by working behind the scenes. Hopefully within the next few months a very significant non radical plan will be put in place wherby boys will begin the shidduch process slightly earlier. Enough to make a huge dent in the shidduch crisis, without raising concerns of damaging their learning nor entering into marriage before they are ready. The R”Y involved feel strongly that it will be beneficial for their learning and will enable them to enter shidduchim at a time that is ripe for each individual boys without any artificial barriers.

    Bezras Hashem a viable effective solution that can greatly mitigate the problem is on the horizon, but much much work remains to be done. The very serious situation we face beooves all who can to do their utmost.

  10. Let’s accept the premise that this is the prime cause, so this is how we have to approach it.
    That doesn’t mean that we have to ignore all the other factors impacting shidduchim. These include preparing our boys as well as our girls; being mechanech the boys according to what they need for their organic growth in learning, not going according to the herd; understanding that boys going to learn in E”Y for the first time after their marriage can lead to complications (the boys not knowing their way around, the girls not being able to find jobs, necessitating even more support from overburdened parents)…

    I think people will be mekabel these very specific suggestions more easily if they come from a united group of named, reliable people, not just initials, with haskamos.

  11. MAybe we should just dismantle the process. My parents (both children of rabbonim) were introduced to each other, dated, and then got engaged. Why reinvent the wheel? We created this system that didnt work out that well, so just go back to how it was.

  12. This is a very sensitive topic especially for those who may have been in the Parsha for a while. Therfore i request from all those who will submit a comment to be sensitive with their words.

    We must also realize thay we are talking about actual people who have actual real lives, and feelings, so we have to be cautious about suggesting a “solution” that will assit everyone,

    Even if the proposed “solution” will dramatically increase the number of shidduchim for future years,(that would be an enormuos accomplishment), we must not become comlacent about the subject, we still must strive to help all those that have been unable to find their shidduch until now.

    Yeshiva Gedola Of Teaneck reccomends Bachurim not going to israel, rather staying in the states and begin the Shidduch process at the age of 20-21.
    However this is done with the guidance of the Rosh Yeshiva and every Bochur must pass a maturity and responsibility test before being given the Green Light.

  13. Wow, what Kefira. To say 66 Roshei Yeshiva is wrong is one thing. To say that girls should not get masrried and all the babies that would have been born will be lost, is still a level lower, but to think that you will change one’s B’shert, which was Gozer 40 days before the child was born – according to the Gemoro, is really something that this web site should not be posting!

    According to teh Gemoro, if one gets married at 9 (as Tosfos said they did because of aq different Shiduch crisis in those days) or if someone gets married at 28, there is only 1 person that is the zivug, so by prolonging a girl from going out, one just keeps her mate from geting married also, and any Hirhurim and other issues teh boy will have from this will all be on teh Cheshbon of your do gooders, who argue with Chazal as to how the world runs.

    My suggestion, Daven to HKBH, realize that HKBH runs the world, and put your faith in Him, and you have nothing to worry about.

  14. for my ruchnius the best thing was to go to ey and learn in the mir, i’m not going to take that opportunity away from anyone

  15. lets get real

    the ONLY way to even the playing feild

    is to have boys and girls gradute at similar ages

    a girl has 12 years of high scholl and one year of seminary

    a boy who goes to bais medrash
    which in many cases is just his beggining of REAL learning
    is teh end of a girls education

    its her finishing year

    so can the curriculum be adjusted?

    who knows?

    only the mechanchim and michanchos

    but the best would be if boys and girls graduated the same age

  16. I am not quite observant ,however I continue looking for a zivug in the traditional circles.

    It is one of the most bitter and indescribable experience for one to have to undergo.

    I wonder how those who are more observant than myself put up with the continual anguish and grief which they have to go through in this most difficult experience which for centuries has been a basis tennet of mankind.

    Even the tragedy of the Holocaust merited a Kina by Rav Schwab ZTL and the Bobover Rebbe ZTL, however our Silent Holocaust of the many thousands of men and women between the ages of 20 and 90 who remain unmarried is a tragedy which one can not describe.

    As I am not so observant, however I am intersted in a traditional women.It is rather unbelievable to what depths this situation has reached. Countless acquaintances of mine who attend the occasional singles function are left devastated and heartbroken.

    There remains no address no organization to which to turn.

    During the Holocaust Hagoan Rav Eliezer Silver ZTL started a Vaad Hatzalah, however during our Silent Holocaust there are thousands left unresponded on the traditional(internet) dating sites.

    It is a tragedy which has not happened since the destruction of the Holy Temples.

    Are there any avenues of relief to deal with this devastating problem which affects the observant community more so then it affects myself as I am not so observant.

    Is there a way to form an address or place to deal with this critical issue?

    I hope I am not ignored(falling on deaf ears) because the situation gives me no rest and I have no one to turn to for relief in this matter.

  17. its not so practical to expect boys to give up their israel experience which is in fact vital to the growth of many boys as well as their preparation for marriage

  18. Why is everyone ignoring the 25+ single girls?

    The story is told of Reb Naschel Rothchild (1s in the line) that when he was looking for an accountant, many applied and all were dismissed. Until one pike’ach came and was asked the standard question:
    “What is 1,000 + 1,000 ?”
    “Sir, what do you need it to be?”

    Maths aher maths ahin. There are young women facing a life of solitude, unable to have the experience of motherhood, and contribution to klall yisroel.

    Demographics are demographics, regardless of fanciful schemes and projections.

    Why does someone not hire a actuary to study the issue, as would an insurance company, and decide the probability of 100% shiduch fulfilled world?

    My heart goes out to all those older single women who probably read much of this drivel, simply because they MAY find something in it for them.

    Hashem Imachen.

  19. Regarding the second option, you wrote: “most boys would not go to learn in Eretz Yisrael before they are married.”

    That is only correct if the current thinking prevails. Bochurim who finish high school in the 17-18 year age could leave to Eretz Yisroel that coming Elul zman, or even learn locally for a year and leave to Eretz Yisroel when they are 18-19, for a year (or two). They will return as 19-20 year olds after learning in Eretz Yisroel for one year, or 20-21 year olds if staying for two years. HOWEVER, current thinking is that the boys “aren’t mature enough” to learn in Eretz Yisroel after finishing high school, and need a few years locally to mature, and then first leave to Eretz Yisroel to learn.

    That presumption requires an earnest evaluation.

  20. I have 2 1st cousins who are bnei torah males from a good family with lots of money from Lawrence N.Y who can’t seem to finds a maidel? Any suggestions? Ones 28 and the other 25. Where are all of these girls?

  21. Sorry to disagree but this solution is even less practical than the “girl freezer” that was proposed earlier this week. 1)No Rosh Hayeshiva in America would advise their bochurim to miss out learning in E.Y. 2)Even if they would, you vastly overestimate the hisbatlus bochurim have towards their R. Hayeshiva. They might accept his deya WHERE to go but they wont listen to him IF they should go.(I personally heard this very sentiment from R Aharon Schecter and R Meir Stern shlita.) 3)Are bochurim really mature enough to get married at 20-21? I’m not aware of your shaychus to bochurim but most bochurim i know greatly benefit from waiting to go out.(in the letter from the Rosh Hayeshivos you quoted from they insert a caveat “whomever is able”)

  22. I don’t think your theoretical solution is so theoretical. It is actually very practical. In the chasidishe velt boys typically marry girls who are either the same age as they are, or a year or two older. And they have no shidduch crisis at all! The second benefit of this approach is that statistically women live a couple of years longer than men do, so this levels the playing field at that end of life, too, reducing the number of almonos. Win-win situation all the way.

  23. To Y.L. your solution is not a new one.With all due respect,I believe you are missing a very important point,which will not make your solution any more practical then the other solution. The reason that Roshei Yeshiva send their Bachurim to Eretz Yisroel is not just to pick up the Derech of that specific Yeshiva,which ever one it may be. But rather to mature and to bud onto the young man that he will become. Be it adapting to another culture, seeing Gedolim that you dont have hear in America,living more independant and training yourself for your future Bayis.The whole culture is much much less materialistic then the USA.There are of course down sides to a Bachurs life in EY,but many Bachurims potential opens up once they are in EY. It is an important step to make before one gets married and very recommended by almost all Roshei Yeshiva in America.

  24. This might help toward solving the “Shidduch Crisis” but it will help to create a “Divorce Crisis”. Many 21 yr old boys lack the maturity necessary for a successful marriage. In addition, not a practical solution for the parents who will probably need to financially support the “kids” longer. Bottom line: Kol Koreh still better than this suggestion…

  25. In other words;
    Let us follow Chz”l
    ?? ????? ???? ?????
    (See Meiri regarding the long term damage if the young man waits until after 20…)

  26. Well if boys dont go to Israel they are usually learning and taking school at the same time so they can make a living for when they get married

  27. Ok, I hear what you suggest but it won’t help.
    The problem is there are a lot of more good girls then good boys. That is the fact which will openly say so. Many bachurim are simply not mature enough to get married while the girls are convinced they must marry the top bachur.
    So again you will many girls chasing the one or two bachurim that are available .

  28. this can’t be serious. in case it is, the author may be slightly mistaken, or just simply knows a very different group of bochorim that i know.

    if you can pull this off you might save the ruchnius of a lot of bochorim as well as their parents a lot of money. and the money saved could be used for the shidduch.
    have a nice day

  29. I think Yaakov Avinu had the best solution to the shidduch crisis. If each boy would marry four girls, the problem would be solved.

  30. your idea of having boys marrying younger is the funnyest thing I have heard in the longest time. don’t we have enough divorces already and now you want to add to the statistics.The best learning by a serious learning boy is from 19-22 and is best done in eretz yisroel

  31. good idea! let the girls stay in the freezer. My 21 y.o. daughter just got out of a self imposed freezer. She is just starting, till now she was finishing a degree. The suggestions that she has gotten have been way off base, not at all shayuch. OTOH, my 24 y.o. son davka wants an “older girl”, 22 to 25. Which is why he has been repeatedly redt to 19 y.o. girls and why the 25 y.o. girl we said yes to said no, because HE was “too young”. nWe are doing this to ourselves, by thinking that we know best.

  32. Aren’t shidduchim totally in the hand’s of H-shem? Doing our histadlus is one thing, but this sounds like engineering. What if a girl is truly ready to marry at 18, or what if a boy isn’t mature enough or ready enough until he’s 25? What if we just tell shadchanim age ranges instead of actual ages. For instance, the girl is 18-25, or the boy is 21-25. By doing this we’d be removing a lot of the pressure, and removing the focus from actual age. A 22 year old boy might go out with a 23 year old girl and she might be his bashert. Just an idea- may H-shem help all those looking to build a Jewish home to find and recognize their right one.

  33. Dear Y.L.- I very much understand the pain & despair of many single girls in shidduchim.Its Excruciating. I just have 3 questions on your responsa The first 2 maybe can be debatable,however the 3rd question is not. Maybe you can clarify for me. 1-Every yeshiva bachur goes through many many stages in life,in short its HIGHSCHOOL,BAIS MEDRASH,GOING TO LEARN IN ERETZ YISROEL…… Now, each stage is so crucial to how the very essence of the future of his life will be conducted,his learning, hashkofos,middos davening,shalom bayis………….. In every “STAGE” brings new growth, new set of nisyonos etc.. From your “Practical solution”,it seems pretty clear that you hold,that there is no reason for this stage of a yeshiva bachur learning specifically in ERETZ YISROEL,its just that he cannot stay in his yeshiva anymore because the yehiva ends at a certain age.Therefor you suggest that thay should just go straight to a different yeshiva here in AMERICA.Question#1-where did you get this SHITA from- Ask any rebbi or yeshiva bachur that learned in Eretz yisroel & was matzliach,they will all tell you-“THE LEARNING YEARS IN ERETZ YISROEL WERE THE MOST AMAZING TIMES”,Its not just a yeshiva that JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN ERETZ YISROEL,its the whole avir the Yidden there, the gedoilim there,Everything….????? #2-Most of the yeshiva bachurim that I know, and any person who is in the yeshiva system, knows pretty clearly that-AMERICAN BOCHURIM COMING RIGHT OUT OF BAIS MEDRASH ARE TOTALLY NOT YET READY TO GET MARRIED. #3-The most puzzling question-You said that there was a “KOL KOREH SIGNED BY NEARLY EVERY LEADING ROSH HAYEHIVA” How can it be that NOT ONE of the 66 leaders of our yeshiva bachurim were smart enough to make the PRACTICAL SOLUTION. However,as i explained I think its pretty clear why they didn’t propose it.

  34. You are 100% right. That is why things are so different in the Chasidishe world. Not only do most of the girls get married young, but it is not uncommon for a girl to wed a younger boy.
    Of course, there are exceptions, but this kind of shidduch crisis does not exist.
    I am a Bais Yaakov graduate who has friends in both worlds.
    Many of my middle-class Litvishe friends are so envious of the whole Chassidishe mehalech when it comes to Shidduchim.
    If you compare the maturity level of most working girls vs students in high school there might be a marked difference. But… a Yeshiva bochur of 20 vs a Yeshiva bochur of 24 is there really such a growth in maturity? Marriage and the responsibility that goes with it is what makes a boy grow.
    So your solution is a proven one.

  35. You write:
    “The first option: The idea to have a “freezer” for the girls makes sense, and would definitely help tremendously, but it is very unlikely for it to ever occur. How will it happen? Which parent will volunteer that their daughter should be the “korbon”? Even if the gedolim sign a letter forbidding girls to date until they are 20, it is something that would be very hard to enforce. Parents are so nervous about their daughters becoming an “older single” that it would be very painful for them to have their daughters stay out of the shidduch market.”

    I don’t know why you think that “forbidding girls to date until 20” is so hard to enforce. It’s true that anything new is hard to get used to at first, but if Gedolim and Roshei Yeshiva encourage it, if shadchanim agree to abide by it, those who “jump in” at age 19 will slowly become fewer and further between.
    If we’d ask the 18 or 19 year old girls, who seem so anxious to get married at a young age, to be honest and tell us if they really want to get married now, or they just are nervous about being “left out”, I’m sure most of them will say that they’d prefer to wait till 20 or 21, if it would be the accepted norm. Most girls really are not dying for marriage straight out of seminary. They wouldn’t mind the extra time to settle themselves. Their parents surely wouldn’t mind either. To say things like “how can we hold a girl back who really wants to get married at 18 or 19….” probably applies to a minority of girls. Most girls would be happy to wait, if that would be the norm.
    Your idea with regard to bochurim staying in America is a good idea for other reasons too, but seems too drastic a change in what has become accepted for so many years. The idea of girls waiting till older has begun to seep in already and seems less drastic and more realistic to implement for now.

  36. I have another solution or helpful idea for the shidduch crisis. If boys in the freezer would be allowed to date girls @! and older while they are in the freezer, it would give these “older” girls the first chance at the new boys. The younger girls will have to wait. If the freezer boy doesnt want to do that, nobody is forcing him to. But when a girl is 21 or older and they hear about a prospective young bochur, is it really fair for them to wait three months before they can go on a a date? They’ve waited enough. And when the freezer opens, there are no guarantees that that prospective bochur will go out with that girl! He has sooo many names to choose from. But while he’s in the freezer, there are alot less choices and the older girls are given a shot. If that boy doesnt like the oplder girl, he may have an idea for her I would love to hear what people have to say about this.

  37. Except that boy are not yet ready to get married at that age. If they were, they would have been doing so already. They are not capable of making a good decision about whom to marry and they are not prepared to take responsibility for themselves. It may be mathematical and practical but it is unfortunately a bad idea. A freezer for the girls is far better of an idea – we just need a standard second year plan after seminary that would make perfect sense.

  38. Dear Y.L. and other crisis Mayveenim,

    All kinds of “one size solutions” don’t take into account that most sensible parents decide for themseves, when their child is READY for shidduchim. They don’t look around at all kinds of extraneous reasons about when the appropriate time is.
    My Daas Torah tells me that only parents know their children well enough to make that call.
    Your shtikel Torah totally misses this main point.

  39. You want your daughter to date at 19? Fine. You don’t want her to date until 20? Fine. Why do you need someone to tell you what to do? You think there’s a halacha here?
    That aside, there’s a “crisis” partly because a guy has a date and goes back to learn and is happy to wait a couple of weeks or more to go out again, whereas a girl has a bad date on a Sunday nite and by Monday is anxious: will I get another yes by Tuesday? By next week? By next month? many boys don’t go out much, they take it slow, there’s always a list, so a yeshiva bochur can date 10 girls in a year and be happy, while a girl who dates 2 in September and none in October is miserable…
    All you need is one, and many people are getting married, but there’s a lack of dates for young women.

  40. But has anyone looked at census data to back the ‘age gap theory’ up? It can’t be very hard to do a quick analysis to determine whether a)the age gap is anecdotal and yet misleadingly presented as fact, or actually real.

    If anecdotal only – perhaps we should question whether other reasons exist, thus mooting this whole article

    Why not find this out, and present the data to the community – it can only help to see real numbers?

  41. This is a response to the above letter.

    1.Daven really hard and NEVER ever give up!

    2.People need to seriously work on their middos in yeshivas and bais yaakovs they need to give around the clock shmuzzen on how to be a mentch, how to treat people with respect, and when boys are in Bais Medrash they need to be given mandatory speeches on what it means to be a good husband, giving, considerate ect.and how to date properly-they need hadracha!Every boy whether working or learning should have a Rebbe!

    3. Say goodbye to the lists! No more lists a girl doesn’t need to be number 456 on some boys list.

    4.The boy and girl get redt the same time and they both have a week and a half to look into the other- if they need more time then they call up the shadchan

    5.When a shadchan calls up someone and says I have someone for your child don’t give the name ask them is your son/daughter busy if yes then DON’T give the name. If their not then redt it!

    6.Peole seriously need to get their priorities straight!The most important thing in the world is to make sure your child marries a mentch, a big baal middos, and someone who has Yarei Shomayim- not someone who is going to make me as a parent look good because they went to yeshiva/seminary x , or they have money or have yichus!

    Hatzacha Rabba to all! May Hakadosh Baruch H send ll those who need o find their zivug they should do so Bekarov with much Siyata Dishmaya and clarity!

  42. Comment #24 has it right.

    30-35 years ago when I was dating, it was much easier for boys and girls to meet in natuarl and less pressurized settings and there was no shidduch crisis. And guys generally got married to younger girls then too, so if that really was the source of the problem, how come there was no shiddiuch problem back then, which would have compounded itself over the years?

    Sorry, i don’t buy it.

  43. One of the estemmed Rabonim of our time has said: there is no shidduch crisis. There is an absolute and positive “Ga’avah” crises.
    Think about it.

  44. #50 finally hit the nail. This is not a “one-size-fits-all” situation. We must move beyond cookie cutter approaches and everyone wanting to do the same thing as everyone else. Live your own lives … HKB”H made many differences in people … we must model and teach individuality within the klal.

    Some girls are ready to marry at 17, others not until 22 … boys, the same, and it depends on how well he is learning, etc. Very individual factors. We should not be taking such a rigid approach to ages here at all!

  45. The problem of shiduchim in the frum community has blown way out of bounds with no address to turn to provide relief.

    Thousands of single men and women above the age of 50 feel totally devastated at the emptiness and unfulfillment of their lives.

    It is a profound test of (our)emunah as we have no feeling of continuity; also we no partner with whom to associate.


  46. To # 50:
    It is a fantasy to say that “most sensible parents decide for themselves… they don’t look around at extraneous reasons….”
    Those parents are the exceptions. Most parents today make many of their decisions based on what everyone else is doing, and on what everyone else will think of them. Whether it is sending girls to certain seminaries, taking post high school courses, boys learning in certain yeshivos, or the age of shidduchim, most parents do not want to be different or make their child the exception. If “everyone else” would start shidduchim at age 20, probably most follow that. To a certain extent it is normal, as most girls just get used to doing what their friends do. They don’t always know exactly when they’re ready for shidduchim. If most girls start at age 20, so that’s when the girls suddenly are ready (same with boys). In a lot of areas of life, people just go along and adapt with what they’re used to. Obviously there are exceptions to everything, but it’s not a reason not to try to make rules that help the general public.
    To #52- you answered your own question. Of course there were older singles 30 years ago, but everything was on a smaller scale, as the community was much smaller, so many problems did not become apparent until years later. It is exactly as you wrote. It is more of a problem today because the problem of older single girls compounded itself over the years. Slowly slowly, over the years and decades, without us realizing exactly what the root of the problem was, it compounded into a huge problem of thousands of single girls. (there are many single boys, but much much less- therefore the imbalance)
    To #53
    Gaavah definitely causes many problems, but it did not cause the shidduch crisis, because most of the boys are getting married. It is the girls that remain single in larger percentages. A mismatch in numbers has nothing to do with gaavah as the boys manage to find shidduchim anyway. Even if you’d erase every bad middah in the world, it wouldn’t solve the problem that there is a much higher percentage of single girls in shidduchim for 5 years (13% acc. to Nasi survey), than there are boys in shidduchim for 5 years (3%).

  47. I dont believe there are so many more girls – only the girls are too picky – BH I am married 5 years already but I unfortunately know many of my best friends who are still bachurim coming close to 30 but I don’t know any girls for them

  48. every one knows that if you pay for your daughter, meaning good amount of support you’ll get whom ever you want in shiduchim.
    So instead of finding new solutions look at chazals solution, which by the way is earlier than our gedolim today.
    1. Please dress your daughters nice in order people should jump on them.(money,support,and more money and support).

  49. yasher koach to #10 (and the Nasi program who agrees with it)!
    It brings a solution without the communist approach (that if I don’t have a date then you can’t have one either!)
    Thank you for doing it in a positive way and not enforcing your approach on everyone else. Some girls need to date and marry early and some don’t. There is no size fits all.
    #63, I used to believe that baloney until I married off my daughter. I know plenty of ‘poor’ girls who got married ahead of their wealthy friends. There is some truth to it, but in no way is it an absolute that money buys marriage. It probably buys more dates, but since everyone has only 1 boy they could marry, it doesn’t necessarily get them closer to the right one.
    There are many factors.

  50. Re out of the box (46): And with this kind of social engineering, not only will everyone be used to girls not going out till 20 but we will be creating a generation of career women. Not that it’s not happening, not that women don’t need to help with parnasa with all a family’s obligations these days…but the genie that WILL result from mandates (vs. suggestions) will be impossible to put back in the bottle, and will have repercussions we don’t want to contemplate.

  51. How does one deal with an issue of such importance ?

    How does one do networking?

    All Hope Seems to BE Lost!!!!


  52. Just in case anyone else noticed, the shidduch debate seems to be the hottest topic. The proof is in the pudding!
    Look at the last shidduch debate from yesterday- the comments were at 84 last I checked, and the last posted comment (before this) was at 70, while all the other topics merit a dozen or fewer comments!
    I found that interesting…

  53. I cannot believe what I am reading here! To believe that we can socially engineer something that is determined by the RBS”O before our children are born is to be an absolute apikorus.
    To say we hold of such a thing is a public declaration that we are devoid of Emunah and Bitachon. No previous generation would have ever signed on to such a thing.
    It is obvious that we are living in the last days of Galus where Chutzpah is rampant and all is upside down. Only the Geulah Shleyma can save us now!

  54. To Anonymous (72): I’m not going to go so far as to say it’s apikorsus, but it’s definitely social engineering, and would have to be done with some serious deliberation and direct, specific guidance from responsible sources (a bona fide navi would be nice ;-D) not grass roots peanut gallery hocking.

  55. Did it occur to anyone that the “mothers of boys” – those oh-so-powerful people – happen to be the “mothers of girls”. I know about 3 families that have only boys or only girls. Everyone should try to do the best for their child. If your daughter can’t get dates with guys who after money, be grateful, you wouldn’t want a guy like that anyway. People have to be prepared to compromise a bit to get married, and to pray a lot.


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