Purim News Briefs, Lakewood 5777


Cheder on Wheels

A new cheder will be opening in Lakewood. It is called “Cheder on Wheels.” In Hebrew, it is called Yeshivas אלה ברכב .The concept behind it is very simple, said a spokesperson for the STLA. “It’s no secret that children in Lakewood are spending more time on the bus than in school,” he said. “It’s more practical to just have the rebbi get on the bus and teach the kids. In some cases, the rebbi will also drive the bus.”

Lunch will be provided by Pizza on Wheels.

Parents are thrilled with this concept and are signing up their children.

“One of the benefits is that there is no building fund,” said one parent. “It’s not an original idea, though, as there have been chadorim on wheels even in a building.”

New Supermarket, Food for Thought, Opening In Lakewood

Lakewood has no shortage of kosher supermarkets, but there is always room for those who have no room.

Investors are catering to a niche market of customers who don’t feel comfortable shopping with others in regular stores. They have phobias preventing them from shopping in public. Food for Thought will be geared to those on diets who like to shop but can’t bring home the food. The shmiras einayim aisle will make it easy for those who don’t look up, as the prices and items will be printed on the floor. The kosher aisle will feature products that have no bugs, are yoshon, and under the approval from various authorities, these shelves will be empty most of the time.

Better Accident Pictures Coming Soon

With daily car accidents, unfortunately, social media sites are competing with each other over who can provide the quickest news and close-up image of a car accident. If they can provide the full facial features of the victim, they couldn’t be more excited. One new site is promising to have close-up, gory pictures of accident victims even before Hatzolah arrives on the scene.

Shiur Klali Now Streaming Live By First Amendmant Activist

After much success broadcasting public meetings, Torah shiurim will now be live streamed to Lakewood homes, but only on a kosher video platform. Viewers will be able to hock arein via Skype, but they will be limited to 4 minutes.

First Inappropriate Advertisement Rejected From Billboards

While the digital billboards are not a reality yet, the ads are already pouring in. A local resident took out an ad calling on everyone to build responsibly and take local residents into account when planning the town’s future. This was deemed controversial and was flatly rejected and deemed inappropriate.

Tent City Now an Option Again

With soaring home prices and high end homes becoming the norm, kollel yungeleit feeling priced out of the market are having second thoughts about closing down Lakewood’s Tent City. “Perhaps it would be an option to live simply and affordably,” said one avreich. “It would also be a true way of living in the אהלה של תורה.”

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Donald Trump to Visit Lakewood

The Trumpiest town in New Jersey deserves a visit from the president. The Donald is expected to pay a short visit to Lakewood. He will continue to push his agenda. A rally is planned for Route 9, were he will chant, “Drain the Lake,” to make room for more housing.

Trump will also attend an asifa about the dangers of technology, particularly wire tapping and out-of-control tweeting.

The president will inquire about the possibility of the US building an imaginary wall utilizing the halachos of gud asik.

The meeting will take place right before Pesach.

He will be accompanied by an as-yet unnamed Lakewood reporter.

Amazon To Open  FBA Center In Lakewood

Officials at Amazon said that it only makes sense to open a strategic location in the Jersey Shore town of Lakewood given the high amount of traffic and vendors in the area. The high ranking execs were given a tour of Lakewood, including all botei medrash and basements, and saw UPS trucks making their rounds. They were intrigued by the uniqueness and entrepreneurship in Lakewood.

Eager to find a suitable place, it was suggested that they sign a lease in an upcoming mall.

“We’re all about chesed,” said an Amazon president known for his philanthropic work.

A Year Later: Reflecting On The Speech

Looking back, a noted philanthropist clarified: “When I spoke about building institutions, I didn’t mean supermarkets.”

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No Knock Ordinance For Megillah Reading

Toms River and Jackson residents will be hearing the Megillah this Purim in Lakewood because of a no-knock ordinance that does not allow them to knock by the mention of Haman’s name.

A Solution For Traffic In Lakewood

Ha ha…

Ah freilichen Purim.


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