Public Weighing in On NASI’s “Game Changing $hidduch Program”


moneyLooking to further revolutionize their work on behalf of the older singles in our midst, NASI has introduced what they are calling a “game changing shidduch program” to encourage and entice shadchanim to work with girls 22 and older.

The program was unveiled in last week’s edition of the Yated Ne’eman newspaper. Under the program, NASI will create a list of girls 22 and older to be distributed to shadchanim across the United States. If shadchanim are to make a shidduch for any girl on the list, they are guaranteed a large sum of money for their work.

For girls aged 22, they will receive $5,000; age 23 $6,000; age 24 $7,000; age 26 $9,000; age 28 $11,000; and for any girl 30 and older $13,000.

Girls on the list will be given contact information of all shadchanim participating in the program.

To get on the list, a girl or her family sends in the exact amount of shadchanus money correlating to her age plus $500 to cover the costs of the program. All money is ostensibly guaranteed and is available for return upon request at any time.

When a young woman gets married the money will be given to the shadchan immediately after the wedding.

“Under the guidance of roshei yeshiva and rabbanim, NASI has been working over the past number of years with the sole purpose of trying to have as many older singles in our community get married. Our previous initiatives, a number of which have included monetary incentive, have been met with much success,” says NASI.

The feedback from the community to the latest program, we are told, has been mixed.

{Noam Newscenter}


  1. I am quite puzzled by this new plan. These older girls have such a hard time as it is, deaing with the social pressures of being single, and just the stigma of being an older unmarried girl. We are now adding on a new burden to them, and that is to raise this excessive amount of money in order to be able to get on this list. I am sure none of these girl want to be excluded from this list, and probably think that if they are not on the list their chances of getting a shidduch will significantly diminish. Is this helping them out, or just throwing an extra stress to these girls who have enough stress already. Conversely, if such a list was complied but at no cost, or some extra money being subsidized by NASI, that would sound more reasonable and helpful.

  2. NASI, why don’t you have the name of a rov to give it credence. Why hiding behind a matzav website story with no rabbinic name.

  3. Contrary to what many people believe, making a shidduch is a lot of work. For every successful attempt there are far more failures. Based on how many shidduchim a full time Shadchan can expect to make in a year, nasi calculated how much it would take for it to be worth the shadchan’s time to focus on this population. This is a very rough estimate, and i dont even know if I agree with it, but I am assumingthat this was felt to be the best they were able to do.

    If the numbers are a bit off and a young woman gets married and it “cost” $6,000 and it could’ve happened for $4,500, that’s $1,500 that perhaps wasn’t necessary. On the other hand if it does “cost” $6,000 and the program only mandated $4,500 the consequences are considerable.

  4. I would like to stress that I envy the zechuyos of the NASI people, their sincerity and mesirus nefesh, but I have deep reservations. And the testimonial didn’t send me.

    I don’t like lines like “call Rav Shmuel, shlit’a”. No, he has other things to do. He should have some representatives with clear haskamos.

    I am flummoxed at the thought that “we are guilty and to blame.” How???

    I am very concerned about social engineering that contraindicates chanoch l’naar (girls in the freezer, boys dating earlier, etc.).

  5. The typical very busy Shadchan makes six or seven shidduchim a year. For a typical shidduch a shachan receives from both sides together between 2,000 and 3,000 dollars. For six or seven shidduchim a Shadchan is earning a total of $12,000 to $21,000 a year. On rare occasions a Shadchan will receive more for a shidduch and often he will receive far less than $2500.


  6. In know this program is well meaning but I wonder what Daas Torah has to say about this?
    Maybe someone can weigh in with R’ Chaim Kaniefsky on these weighty matters. In my humble opinion it seems all wrong


    These are questions one should ask themselves:

    1. Why is there a price increase as the age goes up?
    2. Why should someone pay $500 application fee?
    3. What is the reason for such enourmous amount of money being collected before even the girls goes out?
    4. Where does the boy come in? Doe he have to pay something or no?
    5. Who is gauranteeing our money is not going to be a part of BIG SCHEME or just investment program?
    6. Who is this organization that calls themselves NASI?
    7. Which Rabonim, Roshe Yeshivos,…. are backing up this project or any other NASI projects?
    8. With 13000 you could make a chasuna, so why would a girl or her family pay such enourmous some for shadchanus gelt?
    9. Have they paid back people in the past for pulling out of a program?
    10. Why would they promise so much money to shadchanim which most of the time, even on big gvirim they dont charge such amounts?

    SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL WHO YOU GIVE YOUR MONEY TO? LET THEM NOT FOOL YOU BY SAYING WE HAVE RABBONIM BACKING US. I spoke with some Rabbonim mevine davar and they said it does not seem righht.
    Ultimatley it is your money your life do as you wish.

  8. NASI CLAIMS: “In addition WE CAUSED THE TRAGEDY, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE. Yet day after day they and their families continue to suffer in silence. Where is the kinus demanding that these changes be implemented? Where are the articles, WHERE IS THE COMMUNITY?”

    WHAT A CHUTZPAH! My 27 year old daughter caused the tragedy as she sits at home and cries? It’s the power people and money people who caused the crisis, not WE. it was not the community of regular people, but those with money.

    Please, NASI, dont hand out blame so irresponsibly.

  9. In the past i had respect for the NASI’s projects of incentives of 1500-2000 to redd shidduchim. But now NASI has gone off the road with this absurd plan that will make us all go bankrupt.

  10. According to Nassi or those who believe that the shidduch crisis is because of the age gap.
    The people that started the shidduch crisis were as follows
    1. Avraham Avinu and Sara Imeinu were 10 years apart.
    2. Yitzchock Avinu and Rivka Imeinu were 37 or 23 year apart
    3. Yaakov Avinu was 83 and Rachel Imeinu was 12.
    So the Shidduch Crisis is in our jewish blood and has been started by our forefathers.

  11. Instead of this idea why don’t we instruct the main Shadchanim to only red shidduchim to girls 22/23 or older. This way these girls would already have a degree and able to make a Bakovidik Parnassah while being more mature. Balancing a house, job, school and baby is a big job for a 19/20 year old and if the girls are older and will have the school part out of the way at least some of their stress can be eliminated. This will also take some financial responsiblity off the parents who feel like they have to promise tons of money in order for their girls to do a shidduch. If the girl has a degree hopefully she will be able to find a decent job. A lot of girls are pressured into getting married before they are ready in order not to miss out on the ‘good boys’. I have many friends (and myself included) who got married at 22 and supported husbands in Kollel for 10-15 years – and did not rely on parents or govt support – because we had the time to get an education.

  12. I don’t understand the hock. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. If you do, do. And leave it at that. These NASI people are obviously trying to do a decent thing. Stop with the criticism

  13. “Under the guidance of roshei yeshiva and rabbanim, NASI has been working over the past number of years…………….”


    A NAME?

  14. “All money is ostensibly guaranteed and is available for return upon request at any time.”

    If I pay by credit card can I get back cash? Do they accept EZPass? And if I have two daughters, can I get the carpool rate?

  15. “When a young woman gets married, the money will be given to the shadchan immediately after the wedding.”

    I think it should be given between the first and second dance as the band gets ready to play Yalili.

  16. “The feedback from the community to the latest program, we are told, has been mixed.”

    Actually, from the comments it would appear that the feedback has largely been very critical! Who supports this thing?

  17. To Peter to Pay Paul,

    You think you are a comedian? This is no joke. We are dealing with people’s lives here. Please, some sensitivity.

  18. So I am paying $500.00 application fee for that my name will get on a Shadchans list!!! On top of that I also have to pay a minimum of $5000.00. Wow!!
    Why cant I go to evrey shadchan and say if you make me a good shidduch I’ll pay you $1000-2000 extra besides your regular fee.
    I am going to gain $3500.00. Besides once a shadchan hears you are ready to pay extra all of them will come knocking at your door

  19. I’m not clear on the fact that there are too many girls and not enough boys. Don’t boys come in from overseas? And when does it happen? When it’s time for an engagement, and in Heaven, everything is arranged.
    There is an awful lot of singles unmarried, but each one has a zivug, and taken care of by Heaven in his/her own world, independent of anything on the outside.
    For our histadlus, maybe that means to put into a boy’s head to consider someone older, or other ideas. But whatever idea comes up, it’s totally l’shem Shamayim, and such harsh responses are unjustified.
    So much money? Yikes! But at least these chushuv people are doing more and working harder than many of us are. And maybe they cry at night more than we do. Please, let this not divide us.

  20. the only outcome i have seen thus far is that my 25yr old daughter is more depressed than ever before the road to gehennom is paved with good intentions i would like to hear outrage against this outrageous scam

  21. #24: Who supports it? Isn’t it obvious? It’s the people paying the huge sums of money who are supporting it!

    Seriously, though, while their intentions are good, they’re missing the main point. You can offer all the money in the world, but if there are more girls than boys out there, it won’t matter. People say the age gap is to blame? Then focus on closing the age gap, not on getting shadchonim to concentrate on older girls.

    Make a “freezer” for girls just like there is in Lakewood. Encourage girls to wait a few years before dating. Tell yeshiva guys that for the first 10 (or some other number) of girls they go out with, they must be within 1 year of their age. These address the cause of the problem.

  22. I like to read Tehillim and ask Hashem to provide for the names of those in need. Try 128.
    I try to suggest shidduch possibilities whenever I think I see one. If I profit, it will be in the form of chessed from Hashem, I don’t ask for anything but the joy of seeing the couple go to chuppah.

  23. nebach I have 3 single daughters , how am i supposed to come up with $37,000? Maybe I should borrow from a gemach and have NASI guarantee the loan.

  24. The idea that a girl is, chalilah, “too old” at the ripe old age of 22 really blows my mind. My aunt gave up on finding a shidduch last year because she was 23. My sister is two years younger and spends many nights crying herself to sleep because she thinks she’s missed the curve since she had an illness at 19 that kept the shadchanim from calling for a year.
    And on the flip side, my Rebbe tells bochrim not to consider marriage until they have sat in beis medresh for 3-4 years, which means not even considering marriage until they are 21-22! Why are the parents of bochrim insisting on girls that are a few years younger than their sons? I agree whole-heartedly with #18. Yasher koach on speaking the truth.

  25. To all you people critical of the Nasi Program. What are YOU doing to solve the age gap? The Nasi Program is doing their best to come up with a solution to help thousands of single girls. If YOU have a better suggestion, let’s see you try to implement it. The age gap is a mathematical fact. It is not arguable. It is simple logical elementary math. In a growing community there are more younger people than older. There will always be more 19 year olds than 22 year olds. Trying to constantly match 19 year old girls to 22 year old boys will always leave some girls out. Yes, even if everyone has the best midos in the world, even if every boy decides he will not be picky about money, appearance or intellect, there will still be lots of girls remaining single because of the age gap. THERE ARE MORE AVAILABLE GIRLS THAN BOYS. PERIOD. So all you critics, let’s hear your solution.

  26. Does anyone think that this will lead to better marriages in which individuals actually find his/her true zivug?

    While I am all in favor of marrying young and did so myself (I am male and was age 22) what kind of narishkeit have we stooped to when we consider a young woman of 22 an old maid? who made us the judge and jury of a person’s character development, family situation and personal issues?

    Smart parents will band together in the Charedi community to reject this outrageous behavior…recall that MANY of our rabbinic families have one or more children who DID NOT GO through shidduchim according to a RECIPE, but rather, with their parents guidance found their own way…

    Come on people!!

  27. I was sorry that #26, Gershy, was critical of the terrific comment posted by #23, Peter to Pay paul2. I am B”H married and have no daughters in shidduchim but, Rabbi P from Nasi, you almost made me cry. Almost, because it was Shabbos when I first saw the ad, and refused to let myself dwell on the distress and revulsion I felt when I read it. Since then I have been feeling troubled about this poorly worded, poorly thought out scheme that has hurt so many fine young women and their families. #23, you gave me a good laugh! It’s encouraging to see that there are others out there who see the absurdity of the situation, and can offer a smile- “Tov hamalbin shenayim l’chaveiro yoser me’mashkeihu chalav.” May the Mezaveg Zivugim bring yeshuos to all those in need.

  28. This is really pathetic ! Instead of charging money before hand, let them compile a list of older girls, send it out to all the shaddchanim, and then make a fund where they would pay money raised to anyone who makes a shidduch. Makes a lot more sense, then milking money out of these older girls!

  29. NASI started with a creative concept of raising money to pay Shadchanim to marry off older girls. We should have realized what this will lead to, cheapening the marriage process and making it just another business.

    How can they cheapen Bnos Yisroel so blatantly?

  30. “You can offer all the money in the world, but if there are more girls than boys out there, it won’t matter.”
    Do you believe the maamar Chazal that 40 days before the baby is formed, a bas kol says bas ploni to ploni? Do you think that implies that lots of women were not assigned a match?

  31. who ever came up with this has the most “krumma ” head in the world and is indicitave of the attitude rack your brains and sooner or later you will come up with a plan where you can suck money from the oilam

    bt i forgot please dont print a picture of rebbitzen kanievsky oh
    thats yeharag veall yavoir

    the age gap is part (a small part of the problem)
    take out support and therfore money you have the problem solved

  32. this program is usid litol din vichesbon on playing on the fears of young bnos yisroel and hyping this so called shidduch crisis.

  33. Friends, community members, and family who REALLY know both parties should be used to make shidduchim, instead of throwing good money after a bad idea. Time to put the shadchanim racket out of business once and for all. Shame on NASI for demoralizing girls and their families with fear-mongering.

  34. The real truth is that the generation is so messed up all the girls plus the parents have such crazy hang ups that they are responsible for their own situation
    The same for the boys if we would all be normal
    There would not be such a problem.D

  35. There is a very simple way to solve the crisis: From now on take money out of the equation. If NO – absoultely NO father had to promise any money and just support afterward in good faith, we would solve the Shidduch problem and indirectly solve more problems down the road. Think about it. Money is the root of all evil. Unfortunately never gonna happen. Shame on us

  36. I have a solution to the shidduch crises. Everyone mail me 500 dollars a month and if your child doesn’t get engaged within a year I will forward the money to Kupat Ha’ir. The second year please send me 700 dollars a month.

    To all critics of my plan: At least I’m trying.
    Tongue in cheek

  37. I have a great suggestion: Let each person who questions it, approach their own rov and ask a personal question if this whole mehalech is hashkafically ok.

    I actually had a conversation with a wealthy girl who thinks this whole game changing idea is horrible since it makes it all about money. And that is a family who could cough up $13,000 without a problem.
    So the complainers of the program are not only those who can’t afford it but who disagree with the whole issue of selling our girls.

    Also there is something that Nasi has to take into account. Their fear mongering is causing the girls to panic. My grandfather was paralyzed at the end of his life and he lost his cheishek to fight his disease after a doctor laid down the facts and told him the bleak diagnosis.
    Do you want the older girls to give up? How is it supposed to give chizuk to any older girl when people tell them that some older girls may never get married? Whether that is true or not, who are you to state that? Perhaps you are Eliyahu Hanavi after all coming with besuros ra’os, chas v’sholom.
    I know of 30 and 40 year olds still getting married.
    A Yid can never despair.

  38. This criticism is so sad to see and so without thinking. NASI is the Organization that raised substantial money and offered it to shadchanim to entice them to concentrate on Shidduchim for older girls especially for shidduchim where the girl is older than the boy.
    They have had substantial success.
    This effort is to expand on that program with a self funding setup. Let’s face it. Why should a shadchan work very hard to convince a boy to go out with a girl who is older than he is, when they have so many younger girls who are so much easier to set up? So they don’t. They concentrate on the easy ones. Even Shadchunim who are doing things only LShem Shomaim get frustrated with hard cases where they see so little success.
    It is an experiment to see if by offering substantial money, guaranted by a fund, they can motivate Shadchanim to work much, much harder and set these girls up.
    But where is this money to come from? If you know some Gevirim who are ready to foot the expense, please let the NASI know and they will be happy to let those people lay out the money for this experiment.
    Why up front? Because there are many, many cases where people promise Shadchanim money and don’t pay up. This is especially true when the money is substantial. The excuses are numerous. Ex. That Boy, Oh I heard about him from 10 people before you. Or my cousin really is the one who set it up, not you. Oh I will give you “something” ETC.
    Why not do this individually. Who needs an organization?
    When a shadchan is working on one older girl the effort to look for boys who will consider her is often the same as when looking for 20 older girls of the same type. When you have more choices the chances of a shidduch going is much greater simply by statistal figures. This will make a shadchan much more motivated to do this.
    Why the $500.00 fee. If they get 100 girls signing up. Thats 50,000.00 of one time fees.
    Think of how much work it will be to communicate with perhaps 100 shadchanim or more
    back and forth and with the girls and their parents. It’s more that a full time job for one person or maybe 2 people. Who is going to pay them to do this? And you think that they will be finished in one year? May that only be true A’Y’H’.
    The only other issue is whether you can trust that this money will stay in a safe “eschrew” fund and not be used for any other purpose. It is up to the NASI organization to convince you that they have such a setup. I can say that people I know told me that they know Reb Moshe Pogrow to be a truly honest person and someone who is doing this to serve Hashem.


  39. obviously this program was not well though out and was a misstake.
    the best idea would be to be mevatel proffessional shadchanim completely. shidduchim as a business has been terrible and has been a large cause of the problem. good people will volunteer to help set singles up (just as peole volunteer for other chessed like hatzalah and tomchei shabbos) the minhag of shadchanus can be fulfilled with a token amount.

  40. why should anyone believe in this program when they have never even payed people who made shidduchim for older girls and they never showed and stats that it actually helped

  41. I’m happy to read that most of us don’t agree with this project. I hope NASI will back out from this terrible idea, but let it be a wake-up call to us all to make a free effort in helping those around us find their match so we don’t ever fall to this level. And let us not forget Who is mezaveg zivougim, The Ribono shel olam Himself and He has no limits so instead of panicking and scaring our daughters turn to Hachem with emouna sheleima!
    To those who keep saying:”but there is a mathematical problem… Age gap… More girls for less boys…” remember shiduchim are compared to kriat yam souf. Why? Because it seemed like there was no possible exit, nothing we could do, but when u jump it with total faith in Hachem then He brings salvation in ways we never even imagined.
    The real problem is that we don’t have enough faith and we rely on our means and derech hateiva instead of relying on Hakadoch Baruch Hu. Yes we definetly need to do our hichtadlout, but this can be praying for our kids ( bkys AND girls) before they are even born to find their zivug easily amongst other things and teaching them to do the same without stressing them; it can be just giving a call to a shadhan(it). Our hishtadlut seems to grow as our lack of faith deepens and we should learn to do the opposite; then shidduchim like parnassa and all other troubles won’t look as scary as they do today.

  42. It pays to reacquaint ourselves with Shaar Habitachon from Chovas Halevovos;
    direct translation from the English:

    …”If a person does not put his trust in G-d, he places his trust elsewhere. If he pust his trust elsewhere than in the Eternal, G-d withdraws His providential care from that individual and leaves him in the power of the one in whom he trusted…”
    “If a man relies on his own wisdom, ingenuity, physical strength and industry, he will labor in vain and his plans for attaining his aim will fall short.

  43. Anonymous (`8), what you wrote begs the question of where the boys fit in. Aren’t their parents obligated in shadchanus too? And please, what kind of readiness do you want of your sons before letting them go out? I would love to hear different answers to this question.

    Orthowatch, count me in with those who are against social engineering. The scenarios of these mandates absent clear nevua are staggering:
    – the girl who graduates high school who is mature, not college material, gets a year of training and is successful at her job; she has to wait three years?
    – the shadchan who is inundated with names and resumes and has a brilliant idea BUT it’s not within the age range: he or she is supposed to sit on it?
    – boys being pushed into dating too young

    I could go on…

  44. True what you say and no one disagrees, however why the price increase by the year?? Also why such enormous amount of money, is 22 year old girl so old that she has to pay $5500.00 shadchanus gelt?? The bochurim mostly don’t even come back from eretz yisroel til they are about 22-23. In some circles the bochurim Starr dating 24. To to of it all if this rabbi that you claim is so honest and well thought out, why is he afraid to put his name or the “Rabbonim” who support his wonderful “game” on his ads. His only game which he has played got all the world little bit upset, said some Juicy LOSHON HORA aboutmany people, on top of that he has hurt some peoples feeling including his own. Also he maybe found a few naive individuals who send him some cash flow for his next ads and insult on the yidish velt.
    So if you know him go tell him his wonderful schar which he is about to get in olam habba

  45. If we are convinced that the “age gap” is the source of this problem, why don’t we teach our boys to appreciate the value of a mature, capable woman instead of trying to bribe shadchanim. It would get closer to the source of the problem.

  46. Wait – if there are always more girls than there are boys in the “marriage pool”, how will encouraging boys to marry older girls help?

  47. I hear what you are saying but my concern is that shadchonim will put incompatibles together because they want the $10,000 prize regardless as to whether the match is suitable.

  48. The situation of not finding ones shidduch is horrendous.

    It is(as a a contemporary Gadol described it) is a Silent Holocaust.

    The atmosphere of Tisha B’av affects/permeates countless thousands of single individuals on a daily basis without respite.

    Why do we not make an ASIFAH to be Mispallel for this hardship which is among us???

    The silence on the matter and the finger pointing, especially at those in their fifties, is rather devastating.

    How does one cure this devastating ailment ????

  49. No one is saying offering a shaddchun extra money to focus on these older girls is a bad idea, but to make these girls give 5k-13k to get on this exclusive list is pathetic. Instead let NASI raise money as an added incentive. Don’t make these poor girls who are suffering as it is have to feel like they have to cough up 10k or else they wont get red anyone. This idea is for the books, there must be some people in NASI who need some extra money!

  50. Ouch!!! When I saw the ad, my response was that I hope that no girl over 20 sees it. It is humiliating. Even those who think it is a good idea are not permitted to publicly embarrass bnos Yisroel.

  51. I get it now. Money talks…….no shadchin will look at me without money upfront. What happens when a year goes by and my daughter is still not married? I am dessperate to marry off my older daughter, but this makes shadchins look like they are running a “meat market”, especially by charging more for older girls.

  52. Unfortunatly this places shaddchanim in a very bad light but truth be told many shadchanim or at least the ones not on his payroll are very against this and were fuming when they read the article they feel it cheapens the girls and now all the naysayers could say you see it is all for money. and unless you are on the top tier of shadchanim wich consists of very few people it is extremely hard to say that most shadchanim are in it for money and even those on the top cant be in it totally for money it just doesnt add up there is to much pain and aggravation no one would do it just for the money.

  53. to #50 So if you think that bas ploni to ploni excludes lots of girls, then there is no crisis, because this is the way it’s meant to be and we don’t have to discuss it or make ourselves crazy working on it. Hmmm. Somehow I don’t think your view is in the majority. Or even the minority. The premise is that G-d has prepared a zivug for everyone.

  54. Parents are buying fire extinguishers from the same people that started the fire. How stupid can you be? Don’t keep feeding the greedy system. The “system” is huge and extremely clever. Fight it! Scream! My wife and I didn’t fall for any of it. We just followed the “original” direction and mandate of the Torah. We did not allow anyone to mess with the process at the expense of our children and for their own personal greedy agenda. There are plenty of decent and honest people out there. Stop being brainwashed. B”H we are now enjoying our many zisse grandchildren.

  55. I made up of gelt. So in summation- 20,000 for the hall; 5,000 for the band (another 10G for Shwekey); 3G for the flowers; 6G for the video and photography; another 8G for jewlery and other presents; 10G for miscellaneous wedding expenses; and 10G for Nisi= I know there was a reason why my kids called me an ATM.

  56. V’sei’hav li benin dechrin d’avdin re’usach – provide me with male sons who do Your Will.

    It’s the little phrase in parenthesis at the end of Berich Shemei.

    If you have an unmarried daughter – whether she’s 18 or 38 – say it with intense kavanah, because there are very few truly (spiritually) male sons in the world today.

    Hashem Ya’azor.

  57. According to the Gr”a, a shadchun is entitled to 2% of the naden al pi din. Anyone who doesn’t pay this money is a ganev.

    I would gladly give this money in a second if they can help my daughter get married.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with this al pi torah and may the askanim and shaddchunim be blessed with siyata dishmaya.

  58. I have a wonderful frum professional single older daughter and have a very hard time getting a shadchan to consider her. At least with this ridiculous monetary incentive, maybe she’ll get a date. I am sickened by this NASI idea but it scares me more to have such a wonderful daughter never get married. I might actually join. Perhaps I will make her a more simple wedding because of the money paid to the shadchan but at least maybe there will be a wedding!

  59. When I started dating about 20 years ago, my Rav said I should NOT call any Shadchan! Instead, I should call all my “responsible” friends, neighbors, & acquaintances & let them know I’m starting to date & I’m “serious” about getting married. Daven Schtark! B”H, I got engaged & married in less than a year!

    I agree with some of the commentors. A lot of Shadchanim come across as being condescending, money grubbing, selfish with very low self esteem!

  60. this is the most absurd idea to come along since madoff promised a 20% return on your investement.
    who is coming up with these ideas?
    this is another scam that will only benefit the wealthy who can afford to pay the shakedown money in addition to the extra shadchunas they will have to pay when and if their daughter ever gets married.
    Over yom tov we had a few single girls who are nearing their 50th birthdays. These girls are resigned to the fact that they will never get married and have children. In my wifes class alone their are 7 such girls out of a class of 60. That is a “himel geshrai” and the system has totally failed these woman and hundreds more like them.
    how about calling for massive yom tefilla for all these foresaken human beings.
    How about calling an asifa of all shadchonim and putting an issur on them for a few years to redd a shidduch to any girl who is under 21 years old. They will have to redd

  61. A good portion of the frum community is greatly concerned/agitated due to the present shidduch crisis , which has never (previously) existed in our history.

    It is at all ages in all orthodox areas here and abroad.

    At present there appears to be no central address or reasonable solution to deal with this momentous/cumbersome crisis.

    Individuals as myelf have to engage in the continual, grueling and unrelenting agony of the seemimgly never ending maze of obstacles,in this most vital issue.

    To whom can one turn ???

    Where can one find relief?

    Does Anyone have suggestions?

    Money has been given to Shadchanim before, however there seems to be a tremendous lack of integrity with regard to the above-mentioned monetary placements.

  62. The shidduch crisis that we are all experiencing will never be solved ,until the current school/seminary and yeshiva system for boys and girls are restructured to where boys and girls begin dating for marriage at the same ages Be it 21 or 22 or even older. The people in Chasidishe community , where boys and girls marry the same ages, do not suffer from this crisis of boy/girl imbalance at all.

    This monumental task of restructuring the school system would take tremendous effort and co-operation by all community leaders and schools and yeshivas to implement. Furthermore ,the results of this correction will only be felt many years down the road. But outside of learning how to clone a large number of boys, it is the only answer.

    As long girls begin to date at 18-19 and boys at 23-24 this crisis will increase progressively with each passing year as the orthodox community continues to increase annually at a rapid pace, and we will only see more and more of these sorts of weak attempts at damage control to a crisis that has been decades in the making.

    Feel free to disagree.

    Abe Schonfeld

  63. re tzoorba (79). How much is 2% of next to nothing, for those who can’t afford it?
    We gave our shadchanim considerably more than 2% of a modest or non-existent nadan. (Not sure how nadan’s being defined. I’m thinking of what comes after the chasuna, not clothes, pots and pans.)

    Let me just restate something that’s been said already but bears repeating: I don’t think “scam” or “money grubbing” is appropriate. There is great mesirus nefesh behind this and someone who is, to those who know him (which includes many respectable people) a very fine man. But, like many people, I have serious reservations that have not been allayed.

  64. Those who are concerned about the cost when adding in the hall, etc. remind of the man who bought a $500 etrog but neglected a new dress for his wife. His rav told him to return the etrog, buy a kosher one and spend the rest on the dress. Similarly, one who must choose between the shadchan, who provide a service (hopefully) for life and a hall which provides one fora few hours it seems clear that the former comes first – besides the fact that many rabbanim have criticized expensive weddings.

    As for poor people who cannot afford either there can be a gemach. In fact, I personally knew a rav who told someone that he would pay half hew cost of the shadchan.

  65. paying Shadchan OK. it is minhag to pay the shadchan but making a chasunah with music and food is a mitzva. Also who is talking about not payiin the shadchan, we are talking about $5500 for 22 year old $13000 for 30 year old. Please go find me one Rav that agrees with this crazy amount. If you do find such a Rav pleas tell him we are living in financial crisis times.

  66. Re Avi, lots of people are making package chasunas for 10K or less.
    And what should come first, expanded shadchanus or tuition for a younger child?

  67. to #83 who says, “In my wife’s class alone their are 7 such girls out of a class of 60. That is a “himel geshrai” and the system has totally failed these women and hundreds more like them.”
    The so-called system succeeded for 53 out of 60. What is the the “system” and why blame it for the 7 who are not married?

  68. Does anyone have accurate statistics on the number of OTD boys vs girls? How about the numbers of baalos t’shuvah vs. baalei t’shuva (and converts as well)? Since women are generally more spiritual (per some shitos why they are potur from mitzvos aseh shehazman grama etc) it’s very likely that the two factors above contribute to the imbalance.

    So, let’s consider how to help more boys stay ON the derech, be makarev more men, and, also very important, work on helping those older single men who are somewhat socially inept to become more marriageable.

    I do agree that in general, girls should get some work experience (and savings), schooling or training (whether sheitels, cake decorating, special ed or neuroscience, each according to the individual) before staring shidduchim, and insisted on my daughters doing so. And I did try to look for girls for my sons who were over 19.

    But the more you talk about the ‘age gap crisis’ the more pressure you put on everyone, leading to a ‘broken engagement crisis’, if you’re lucky, and not a ‘divorce crisis’ which is rapidly developing!

  69. I think this cheapens the shadchanim! If they can only do the job if they are bribed $13000 – Who trusts them anyway?
    All this will do is raise the amount payed by everyone. Bec. “Shadchanim” will only marry off the elite.
    If you want to be rich – find another job. This is for someone trying to do chessed.

  70. Agreed 100%. I don’t understand why we don’t get together and make this change. What are we waiting for every year there are hundreds of girls getting cut out and many of them are not getting married altogether. These girls may never have the chance to get married or have a kids of their own, who is willing to take the blame for this, why don’t we change the structure of our school system and fix this problem.

    I think a simple solution is to have one year less of beis madras for boys(or 12th grade can just skip to 1st year beis madrash if it makes it sound better). Simoluatinsly, the girls should have one extra year of high school 13th grade, which during that time they can work on getting credits for a BA. Thereby you are erasing 2 years off the age gap without any major changed the basic structure of our current system.

  71. Agreed. Chazal say Shemone Esrei L’Chupa. The girls are close to Chazal’s instructions. The boys need to be encouraged to begin marrying at 18 – 19. Thus no more age gap.

    Chazal had the answer all along. It’s befeirush in the Mishna.

  72. I am a shadchan for 16 years mostly in the chassidishe circles, but open to anything Hashem sends my way. It is painful to hear the criticism heaped on me and my fellow sisters who spend hundred,(collectively thousands) of hours a day, year, years without any return on our time!! If you think this is a parnassa, or if you think that you could put a price on our time, effort, nerves, patience, and what-not, if you think we are doing this for the money, you have a whole lot of thinking to do. I, for one, would be out of this line of work the minute I started it!!I sit by the phone giving MY PRECIOUS TIME TO YOU without any return…by the time I get a shidduch done,I have invested hundreds of hours of my time that I could use for many other things, but “CHOOSE” to do it for the satisfaction I will “eventually” get, if I don’t give up and have faith that Hashem will choose me once again for a shaliach in this great mitzva. For those of you who have never even picked up the phone to try redding a shidduch, I suggest you just try. (and by the way, I know that you don’t because I have yet to hear one friend, relative or other call me in the longest time regarding a shidduch for my 35 year old daughter)because it is easier to say “oiy nebech” and sleep well at night, than to actually spend time thinking about someone you know and take the time and effort and make the phone call…now that you are all married with children of your own, you are too busy thinking of those who are dying to be in your place. Between sympathy and action is a fine line. So…please…I am all too familiar with this on both ends…and if I had the space(which I actually do) I would fill this with hours of writing to explain to you what the serious issues really are, having heard hundreds and hundreds of parents through the years. In any case, it won’t matter what I have to say.There has to be a major change in many areas for things to “really” change .. and I for one, won’t be the one with the gavel in my hands. I will just daven for my daughter, and for my grandchildren that by the time their chance comes around, Hashem will have rachmonos on me and make it easier for my children iyh.
    But for now, all I can say is:If you know anyone with an older child, it is your obligation to inquire,look, help, keep in mind…the children of your friends, family, neighbor…network….don’t tell me “I’m not a shadchan”…neither was I when I started my first one..I just wanted to be able to come to Shamayim after 120 and say that “Yes”…I did help out…I did do my share in helping people…and so this mitzva is for everyone, you don’t need to be a professional. I don’t know what it means to be a professional…I am just a human being trying to help and over the years BH Hashem has helped me because I WANTED TO DO IT AND NEVER GAVE UP.
    As of this writing, every day I tell myself that I am going to stop trying because I haven’t done one in about 2 years and then I tell myself that Hashem is testing me to see if I will give up or go on…and so,I stay in this line of work without even a “thank you”, a card….or even a 25 dollar check for some parents who have gotten hours and hours of my time, for this or for children they have already married, but for whom I put in endless hours…
    It’s a long parsha…a lot to be said…but I’m still keeping the faith….in trying to set people up and hoping my daughter finds her zivig…bekorav…
    Thank you….for listening.

  73. i find it funny how they write that every person who disagreed with them changed their mind after calling them up for an explanation. this is incorrect as i listened to someone calling with a lot of valid questions and she was answered with the most arrogant bombastic replies you can imagine. every question was answered with the greatest in pontificating replies explaining how we didn’t understand how great this was and all the good it would do. this coming from a person with no experience with older singles as he admitted that his oldest was eleven is completely inexcusable. the only comparison is can find to NASI is Bernie Madoff.

  74. To ernie: I have voiced my reservations, more than once, but I think that you have at least one straw man here. Yes, I do wonder if he’s experienced his own kids in shidduchim, yet that doesn’t hold good people back from getting involved and making shidduchim, and really knowing the facts onthe ground.

    There are enough good people vouching for the force behind NASI that I can’t be mekabel that deviousness such as you suggest is a primary motive. I really can’t.

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