Dear Matzav Shmooze,
As someone who has been a shadchan for many years I think there is a big issue that is not even being addressed when it comes to boy and girls in the parsha.
We, boruch Hashem, have established very strong schools systems that help us raise our children to be frum Yidden. I send my children to our Mosdos and am very happy with results of the efforts from our hardworking mechanchim.
The issue, however, is that our Mosdos are not in sync. We have created two completely independent systems – the Bais Yaakov and the yeshivos – which are churning out two very different products. Our boys and girls are spending their formative years developing she’ifos, hashkafos, and other ideas that are very different from one another. And when they reach a marriageable age they quickly find that this is a real roadblock in finding a compatible spouse.
This is not a case of people being picky. As a shadchan I can tell you that these people are right; their reluctance to change their standards is not a matter of blown up egos, it’s usually coming from a place of knowing what type of life they want to live and realizing what that requires in a spouse.
And as a parent I can see how my own children paths are diverging from each other. As much as we try to instill are own values we have to admit that a big chunk of our children’s growth comes from the many hours they spend in class or the Bais Medrash.
To be clear, I am not saying this is the sole problem in shidduchim and I’m not here to argue about statistics, pictures or other possible factors.
But I can say pretty definitively, and I think others who dabble in shidduchim would agree, that a majority of Yeshiva boys are looking for a minority of Bais Yaakov girls and vice versa.
I believe that collectively we need to take a step back and look at our schools and yeshivos and try to figure out where they’ve diverged and take the necessary steps to realign them. But I’m just a shadchan. The people who are best equipped for this job are the principals and Rosh Yeshivas, who are either setting different goals for their students or whose methods of being mechanech are simply being being met with totally different results.
A Dedicated Shadchan