A Reader Writes: ‘The Learning Gap’ and Shidduchim


learning-gap-smallDear Editor,

There is an issue that is the root of many problems society is facing today. I call it the ‘learning gap’. The average girl is looking for several more years of learning than the average boy is cut out for. This is not true about every boy and girl; rather it’s an overall assessment. While lots of attention is being given to the ‘age gap’, no effort is being done to narrow the ‘learning gap’. The graph below may give you a better idea of what I mean. Obviously it’s impossible to compute the exact amount, but I hope to give you some clarity with the following estimate.













Notice that there are about twice the amount of boys who should be working than there are girls that want it. Also notice that there is no category that matches. You will have a hard time setting people up regardless of who your clientele is. You can also see that boys attempt (often subconsciously) to fit in with what girls want, but they don’t quite get there. Not being yourself results in loss of potential, loss of life. Of course this is by no means across the board, most guys are productive, and even the boys who are overextending themselves are not doing it maliciously. On the contrary, they are accomplishing as well, only they would be more productive if they weren’t extending themselves as much.

Despite this, the ‘learning gap’ is not being addressed. No one is taking steps to solve this problem. There are two possible reasons why this is so.

A) Most people aren’t aware that the ‘learning gap’ exists

B) The minority that is aware does not realize how crippling this is to society.

There are many contributing factors as to why people are unaware. I will mention some of them. Feel free to post more reasons.

1) Unlike the age gap, which is easily measured, it’s hard to quantify the exact amount of learning a girls wants and the amount a guy should be learning. Gray areas are less acknowledged.

2) Boys can convince themselves that they should be learning more. Denial is a very common thing. If the boy himself thinks he belongs in yeshiva, who will know otherwise? Not his parents, probably not his rebbi (on the off chance he’s in a yeshiva that has rabbeim) not the shadchan, and not the girl he dates.

3) There are some boys who aren’t in denial but justifiably don’t announce it to the world. Today it’s embarrassing to say you’re not cut out for learning, and it’s equally embarrassing to say you can’t afford it.

4) Seminary heads and rabbeim generally don’t investigate/discuss this because their job is to promote torah. They focus on the positive.

5) Shadchanim are aware of this to a degree, though I would submit that it’s only the tip of the iceberg. Not all the guys are so open with shadchanim for fear it will affect their shidduch.

6) The older generation sometimes doesn’t realize that boys today aren’t as capable of sitting and learning like in the past. A lot has changed in the last few years. Modern inventions like IPods, internet, and cell phones take a serious toll on a bochurs attention span. Moreover, Western society has an influence on the young couple (or the single guy) when it comes to spending, and people need more to be satisfied. On top of that, in today’s economy, a nice percentage of boys who enjoy learning can’t afford it and thus go to work. What’s more, a lot of bochurim who would’ve wanted to learn for a while can only commit to a couple of years. (Not so many guys want to limit themselves to the 10[?] Percent of girls that can support them in today’s economy). Some of the hindrances to learning are unique to today. Thus the parents don’t warm up quickly to the idea that the younger son is less cut out for it perhaps than the older son. What’s more, seminary teachers may not realize that a nice percentage of solid frum boys that should be working.

To summarize, it’s not something that’s talked about enough. Parents, mechanchos, and girls often don’t know it, shadchanim, and rabbeim may not know the magnitude of it, and boys don’t talk about it. The learning boys because of reason # 2 & 3, and working boys don’t because they would immediately be written off as being ‘farbissen’. (I noticed that when someone brings up a problem, the ‘go to’ answer is often; “your farbissen”. Why don’t people respond to the point instead of shooting down the messenger? I don’t know).  

Hopefully you now understand why something so widespread is being ignored. Let’s now discuss why this is so crippling, and again feel free to post more reasons.

1) The overall quality of the guys on the market, both learning and working, decreases significantly. The learning guys because of the pressure and the working guys because they aren’t taken care of by society.

2) The overall quality of the girls on the market decreases slightly, because the role of being a wife and mother is somewhat lessened. This hurts the kid’s chinuch. Most seminaries teach a girl to live their life for torah as opposed to living it for Hashem. ( see: “A man’s view on seminary” 6/12/09)

3) Most people agree that learning may be the most important thing in the world, but not the number one factor that makes two people compatible. Some girls respond to this by saying that they won’t compromise on other qualities. The fact is that many girls cannot get a genuine learning guy plus the other qualities they need. Yet the first question they often ask is about the years. So essentially many girls are choosing learning over more important qualities to marriage. This obviously can affect marriage quality and duration.

4) Most people agree that money can be important, but definitely not the number one factor that makes two people compatible. A direct result of this learning trend is that the boys in turn often look for money. They put this quality higher on their list than they would have otherwise. So essentially some boys are choosing money over more important qualities. (of course you can get both but not everyone gets it) This can affect the marriage.

5) It goes without saying that it’s damaging when a boy is set up with a girl with higher expectations then he can handle.

6) As I mentioned in my previous letter, the “learning gap” contributes to the age gap. While the readers were divided about it, most people felt that there was at least some connection. (see: “ A new angle on the shidduch crisis” 6/10/09)

7) It further hurts our economic situation. (granted, sitting and learning is worth spending money on, but not plain sitting).

8) It hurts genuine learners and qualified girls that are looking for learning. A) The girl who would fully support and encourage a guy in learning, now (thinks she) has many options. He now may not get the girl qualified to marry a genuine learner, because she mistakenly opted for someone else. This obviously hurts the genuine girl as well since she may not know who is serious and who isn’t. Of course she may tell you that she knows how to do good research and secure herself what she wants, but I can assure you that the guys are usually ten steps ahead.

9) There is some evidence that this can also cause boys to go of the derech, since a teenager who can’t learn all day is not productive. As opposed to the Netziv for example. (Or any boy from a different generation, or any boy today from a different segment of society). Had he wanted to be a shoemaker at the age of twelve, he would have been able to. (We all know his famous saying that had he been a shoemaker, in shomayim they would have held up the seforim that he could have wrote, and asked “where are the seforim?” a certain Rosh yeshiva aptly observed that some people who will show up to shomayim after (mistakenly) learning their whole life, will be shown a pair of shoes, and will be told “look what you could have accomplished”. Case in point).

In summary, this disproportionate amount of girls looking for learning has terrible consequences. It affects people’s quality of life, quality of marriages, economic state, and more.

This is not to say that boys aren’t at times equally misinformed about what to look for in a girl. I could put up a graph about that as well, but it’s unnecessary. The difference is that what triggers those demands is western media. It gives boys an unrealistic view of what a girl is. Also the breakdown of family structure and values is a contradiction to a frum girl’s role in the home. While we can control that from seeping in, we aren’t responsible for generating it. With the ‘learning gap’, however, we are responsible for creating the monster. (The idea of girls wanting learning is a great thing, don’t misunderstand, and klal yisrael needs it, only it has become too common.)

What needs to be done is narrowing the ‘learning gap’ one way or another. It would be nice to achieve this by getting guys to learn more. To the degree that that’s possible, it should be done. It may be more practical, however, to convince girls to be less demanding. By the way, it doesn’t help to nod your head sympathetically, and then go ahead and turn down every guy with a definitive plan that comes your way. It also doesn’t help to argue that enough frum quality girls are looking for working/college when that is simply not true.

For some boys, kollel is definitely the way to go. For others though, it’s better to have money so you can raise kids, than to raise money so you can have kids.

P.S. Chas vishalom to put down the mesiras nefesh that is going on for torah. That is hardly the point. Torah is the most important thing in the world and we must continue supporting it. The point of this letter is that society has to allow for people to develop and become a better version of themselves. A girl should focus on helping her husband do what he can, as opposed to demanding a specific amount of hours or years. Cookie cutters are fine if you’re making cookies.

A Political Scientist



  1. Shidduchim are created by Hashem. Graphs, probability, statistics, etc. are ridiculous. This crisis mentality has to stop.

    Maybe graph, place statistics on the INCREASE in the divorce rates DUE to inappropriate shidduchim girls jumped into because of the NASI crisis statistics. Please, Queen Sheva also thought just dump a group of statistics and have them marry each other. Those “shidduchim” ended up the same as the “crisis shidduchim” of nowadays.

    By relying on Hashem and doing hishtadlus instead of graphs, Hashem will pull through for you.

  2. “…solid frum boys that should be working…”
    SOLID…FRUM…BOYS. Great frum boys that are working and making a parnosso. Girls, there are plenty of us, so come an get us. Not interested? So, be that way!

  3. Put it simply- there are more Good girls than the supply of Good boys- because it is much easier to be a Good girl than to qualify as a Good boy- this from a former Good boy!

  4. Unplug the freezer. Cut out the expense of Seminary in Israel. Cut down on Engagement, Wedding, sheva brochos expenses.

  5. You mention a number of very good points. However I suspect this was done very unscientific ly. You also make no mention of the Honeymoon period. In other words, these great aspiration for learning guys are based on an idealized or should I say fanciful situation not really with any real mesiros nefesh or lack of anything. I suspect the numbers may have more to do with unrealistic financial expectation be it short or long term rather than the girls’ strong devotion to torah ideals

  6. There’s a different learning gap. A generation ago, if a boy said he wanted to learn for 5 years you know he was serious and heading somewhere. Many of the 40+ y.o. rabbanim and maggidei shiur learned for 5 years full time before starting something. (Interestingly enough, as Rabbi Yakov Horowitz mentions, when he was growing up the typical yeshiva h.s. school day only went till 6:00, so no one, please say that one needs MORE time to grow sufficiently. Maybe the yechidei segula.)

    As such, a boy could be considered extremely respectable and desirable if he said one or two years, or even (and if boys say this now, they are not considered serious. Every boy MUST give a definite number) as long as they can manage.

    Also, I don’t think parents supported as often and as readily as now. Please don’t say they weren’t machshiv Torah as much as we are now, or not as knowledgeable. I’m talking about serious talmidei chachomim and bnei Torah, of course some of whom were working more blue collar type jobs so they didn’t have the extra money squirreled away (yet they still carved out significant time to learn.)

    I think that THIS angle requires serious analysis.

  7. Right on. You should write a third letter describing practical ways to solve the problem. I will help with the funding.

  8. Thank you once again! I hope this gets publicity. Everyones focused on the age gap to get everyone married. Meanwhile what about marriage quality? You bring up great points.

  9. Its so true. most people involved either dont think about it. Or they dont talk about it. They just try to get around it until that stage passes. Because if you raise the issue it can only hurt you. Think about it. The only problem is that the stage never passes. It causes problems well past the stage of shidduchim.

  10. There are a few issues. One is that the seminaries are pushing the girls to marry long term learners when the girls don’t even know what they are getting into. They return after the year very idealistic but have no idea what it means to live with a large family on a limited income. Many girls can handle it but not everyone can.

    Another issue is that the boys who do not learn long term are (and this is a GENERAL statement- not meant for everyone) not of the same yeshivish caliber as a long term learner. Those boys are more worldly and therefore can’t relate to a very yeshivish girl.

    If the heads of the seminaries could meet with the roshei yeshiva and see if they are creating this problem without realizing it, perhaps there could be some peshara.
    If a boy can’t learn long term but can maintain a good seder and raise his children as Torahdik and hashkafadik as a full term learner, then maybe more girls would reconsider.

    We would have to investigate what Rav Ahron Kotler z’l had in mind when he created what is Lakewood today. Was it a horaas shaah just to rebuild Torah in America then or was it meant for future doros as well?

    With all said and done, the world is a scary place and kollel learning certainly fortifies young couples in their early years with a solid foundation of Torah and it should not be minimized either.

    Hashem should guide us to make the proper decisions.

    And mostly people can always ask shailos with their own rabbonim and not just go with the flow just because everyone else is doing so. Everyone has be realistic what he or she can handle!

  11. What the author didnt discuss is the amount of teens that should be going to work. I could think of WHOLE MESIVTAS that shouldnt be learning. Sometimes these yeshivas have full time learning and no english.

  12. Nebach that people like chicago dont understand that there is something called hishtadlus. And bechira. Do you have a husband or a son? Maybe he can explain it.

  13. Fairly accurate. prob about 70 % maybe more girls want learning guys. How many guys should be learning? Who knows.

  14. Better to have money so you can raise kids than to raise money so you can have kids… Probably the best line ever.

  15. I like this letter better than the first one. Its less bitter, more politically correct, and you bring up better points.

  16. What an interesting article. I think that there are many girls that believe that they truely desire and can handle and a kollel life for many years, and they are merely fooling themselves. To be able to be Moser Nefesh for Torah is the epitome! To take a Ben Torah who wants to learn for many years and then to still desire the luxuries, own a house, car…is plain wrong. You can not distract your husband from Torah.
    Learning short term is a thing of the past. As someone recently told me “Everyone wants ten years!” Lets stop brainwashing, and lets stop looking down at a yungerman who learns for three years or however many years he wants to and can. We all know that the pressure to fit in is sometimes not healthy. Teach the girls about Tzniyus, not about their husbands olam Haba.
    When Rav Steinman Shlita spoke to Menahalim in Lakewood a few years ago, in response to the following question posed by a head of a Seminary “Should we teach the girls to be satisfied ith a husband who is Kovea Itim… for then she may not push him to stay in Kollel… or should we just speak about Kollel…? R” A. Y. L. Shteinman Shlita answered “Dont talk about Kollel to the seminary girls” talk about Hashem. The root of the problem in my opinion is that the girls are not based in reality.

  17. There is a point on the graph where everything meets. its between college and short term . so maybe the learning gap is not a problem for the one guy who is learning short term but has a college degree from the summer.


  18. Wow u really have opened my eyes. I don’t know if I agree with everything u say. But when I was finished reading your article I felt enlightened. You have really made a lot of legitimate points. Thank you! And may you continue sharing your words of wisdom!

  19. Making comments are fine . im doing so right now. But its more important to take action. For every one comment you post, do one positive thing to help the crisis.

  20. I can no longer afford to support my SINGLE son in yeshiva. I try to convince him to go to work but hed sooner jump off a roof than leave yeshiva. I Dont think its because he likes learning.

  21. Can a representative of the girls side get up and explain something to me. Do you think that a guy can wake up one day five years into marriage and just start making a six figure salary. with no experience or education?

  22. When I saw the formula last time I thought you were just being cute. Now with the graph Im not sure. Are you really a political scientist? Do you have papers to prove it?

  23. Money is important? I think not. How often does it come with controlling parents? How often does the wealthy side demand that the other side match the support when they cant afford it?

  24. To # 1. all that is being said is that boys and girls are on different pages! Hashem may be mezaveg zevugim, but he doesnt decide what goals they should have!

  25. Feel free to post more reasons…

    You gotta feel bad for the women who wake up early to carpool to Edison to work so their husband can learn. I hope their husbands are from the 20 percent….

  26. The shadchan asked me if I plan on learning a whole day or a half a day.

    My response?

    A whole day – maybe even two days!

  27. This never affected me. For whatever reason. But it does amaze me that a girl who maybe didnt get a yes in two months from anyone nice, will turn down a boy because he doesnt plan on learning for x amount of years. This is a psychological phenomenon. Are these girls sane?I think I have an idea why. It absolves you from responseability when in order to be considered religious you dont have to do anything yourself. Girls like that. They dont have to dress modestly or be a good person. They just have to demand learning. Doesnt require any work on their part.

  28. I would like to add that my daughter who recently got married (to a long term learner!) disagreed with this article. She felt that if someone wants it enough, Hashem helps.
    It is not true that all long term learners want a rich shver. My son in law said he’s not marrying someone’s wallet.
    The realistic boys who have their priorities straight realize that marrying into money bring other equations into the marriage- sometimes a controlling shver (and as some call “high maintenance girls”).
    I do agree, as I wrote above, that there is some unrealistic outlook on both sides but if someone really wants something l’shem Shamayim then Hashem pulls through. If they are unsure, they can always speak to a rav to see if they are being realistic.
    So with all said, not all statistics are true. Hashem still does help.
    Tefila is extremely important as well.
    Perhaps the problem is that people aren’t being honest with themselves.

  29. You make some excellent points and I appreciate and respect what you r trying to do here. However I do believe that seminaries and yeshivas are not just one of the factors rather they r the sole factor. Girls without any depth or understanding will just decide she wants a learning boy based on the garbage her seminary instills in her. Seminaries should be shut down and yeshivas should be more openminded!

  30. U write ammmmaziiinnnngggg! U should learn a ton of torah this way ull be in charge of things and then u can make real change!

  31. convince girls to be less demanding? have you been hiding under a rock the last couple of years? Its the boys who have endless demands!

  32. When Was selling my used car, I insisted that only a long term learner buys it. Alot of people thought I was crazy. Since it was a good deal though, one guy came saying that he plans on learning for a while. I did research on him to make sure he isn’t one of those guys who …. you know…. It turns out he also dropped the sale because he said that learning has nothing to do with who you sell your car to. Why am I crazy? Arent 80% of girls basing who they choose for a husband on how much learning hes doing? What does that have to do with marriage?

  33. No doubt the writer and posters mean well. However I’m not sure whether this is an attempt to deal w/ Shalom Bayis Issues or the shidduch crsisi issue.

    Re: the phenoman of girls having a much harder time in shidduchim and many many more girls not getting marreid as opposed to boys. I don’t this “learning gap” theory explains anything.

    simpy put it’s a reincarcertion of there are more good girls than good guys/ girls are picky.

    One simple question:

    There should be tons and tons of guys not getting married, because they aren’t up to par for the girls “unrealistic” expectations.

    Until Mr Political scientist is able to explain how this directly significantly affects the total number of girls vs. boys getting married. It is whooly IRELLAVANT to shidduch crisis-what is occuring with hundreds and hundreds of girls from all walks of life getting older and not getting marreid.

    Are the points mentioned accurate? perhaps, or perhaps not, but don’t pretend to alleviate the shidduch crisis with thoeries that related to other areas of jewish life.

  34. AG- girls arent to picky, their just picky about the wrong things. On the contrary – because they are so makpid about the learning they are forced to compromise on other things. girls can only ask for so much because its a guys market. girls are not to picky. they are not picky enough about midos, chemistry, etc. They dug themselves into this hole though.

  35. Dear Political Scientist,

    How many people did you survey to produce your data? From how many different venues?

    With all the ink (or bandwidth) on the various gaps, one questions the research behind the theories. What are the statistics of boys who did not get married at 23, 24, 25?

    While the perpetrator (I use the word purposely) of the “Age Gap Theory” has statistics on Bais Yaakov graduates over several years, and how many are unmarried, I have seen no data on boys.

    And we don’t have hard numbers on how many boys are OTD.

    Next question: suppose the boy ordained for Miss Ploni by the bas kol is now OTD? Will she now have the seichel to use her bechirah & agree to someone else?

    You know the story of the engaged couple where the boy said he was having a hard time at age X and was teetering, and the girl said that was exactly when she started davening for the hatzlacha of her unknown basherte….

  36. A. most people dont know there is a learning gap. B The few that know dont realize how bad it is for society. I would like to ad a new group, group C. The small percentage of people who know it exists and how bad it is – just they dont care cause it doesnt affect them.

  37. The social workers view certainly is not of caliber for any social worker.
    If you don’t want to send your daughter to seminary, then fine. I have extreme hakaras hatov to my daughter’s seminary. Please don’t bash something just because you don’t know your facts. Is everything they do perfect? That’s up for discussion, but to stam bash them on a large scale- especially right before the 3 weeks- you spoke loshon hara and you should ask mechila from them.

  38. It is loshon horah litoeles. Good for you that your daughter had a good experience. Good for you that you have a genuine son in law thats not into money. guess what ? Any one can say what they want about sem and ill take responseability. Your personal experience doesnt change the facts .

  39. I have less dates now since the list was put out. When the list came out Everyone was fuming. But now no one remembers except me cause I dont have dates.

  40. To the person who answered me: you say that my personal experience doesn’t change the facts. My question is that a personal experience is better than no experience at all! I’d like to challenge ‘social worker’s view’ that he/she most probably never had a daughter in seminary at all, and that they speak only from heresay. Am I correct?
    Many girls have wonderful experiences and the seminaries put all their kochos into making it work. Although not everyone ‘grows’ in seminary- still many do and even if it’s not for your daughter, don’t slam them to say they should all shut down!

  41. AG,
    As to your question about the total number of girls vs. boys getting married:

    I can assure you that the number is 100% equal

  42. Its pashut that this affects learning boys! Twice- i ended a huge parsha because the girl had higher hasogas. I have friends who broke engagements cause of it. The girl says ten years , marries a long term learner, then during the engagement she starts coming back to… then she breaks it cause she really needs less shtark, We have no way of guessing who the girl really is, Its frightening. I now only date girls who dont talk about years. which is also hard. because nine out of ten do. But i rather get married later. What choice do I have. Its very scary to have a broken engagement. Maybe midwestener is right that its not seminaries, I dont know, but SOMETHING, is responseable for this. What should I do? dont tell me ask a rav – I did, Should I do what everyone else does? Go out with a girl as frum as me, naturally she will want more learning then me- play the game pretend that im more shtark, then hope that she is really brainwashed and will land later? But how do I guage how much of her is her and how much isnt? (Btw Im not a frummy. All my friends agree that if they want a girl with the same level of yiras shomayim they have to say more years). Or, do I go out with a girl asking up front for the amount of learning Im cut out for? (I see you all nodding ) Thats such a chaval! I will be so so limited! Because almost every girl who SAYS up front she wants me (one year learning, ball games, etc. ) is not as frum as me! I would play the game the way its being played but I have eight friends with broken engagements! SIX of them because of reasons the writer discussed! If broken engagements are on the rise , probably bad marriages are as well. Please dont say its not so bad. It is. Im usually a very positive person.

  43. Dearest Rebbetzin:

    While the perpetrator (I use the word purposely) of the “Age Gap Theory” has statistics on Bais Yaakov graduates over several years, and how many are unmarried, I have seen no data on boys.

    taking lakewood as an example:

    less than 2% the boys who come to lakwd are still single years later. That’s the equaivalalent of 24 year old girls. DO you want more numbers??

  44. I just didnt want AG to have the final say, so I posted a comment. Your 100% right about the age gap. But why knock this letter?

  45. To the “Boy still in shidduchim” Just because my daughter married a long term learner, doesn’t mean all of her friends are doing so. Several friends of mine were honest and their daughters married good working boys or short term learners. Many girls want to get married and are therefore chapping up the working boys since they know otherwise they’ll still single for a long time.
    Not everyone needs someone to learn for a long time.It also matters on how important learning is to them.
    I’ll let you in on a secret: When my husband and I dated (and he was a long term learner) I asked how long he was going to stay in kollel. He basically wouldn’t give a number but said as long as we could afford it. That’s when I decided to marry him since he was honest with himself. No one knows where life takes you and how many children one will have after an ‘x’ number of years, so we can’t put a number on it. So even the long termers can only say they’ll try but can’t promise.

  46. Shuey: Thanks for having my back.

    I am not knocking the letter. I am only poitning out that the this letter is as relevant to shidduch crisis (vis a vis why there are so many more older girls than guys), as it is to solving kashrus issues, tuition issues, and a host of other issues facing our community. DON’T mix issues. It breads confusion and doesn’t sove anything

  47. Midwestener. You say that many girls are chapping up the working boys since they know that otherwise they will stay single for a very long time. Many girls. question. Which girls arent scared that thell stay single for a very long time? probably the nice capable pretty girls from nice families. So your telling boy in shidduchim not to worry since girls who are desperate might ‘settle’ for him because how else will they get married. Are these girls the same quality as him? Are they the same overall quality as the girls he would get if he was in yeshiva? I think not. And if they are. then they wont be as frum. Also, being from midwest, your friends are probably also mostly from midwest. out of towners arent a proof. in town girls still arent openminded. The good frum nice pretty etc… all want learning

  48. Many people from my community are marrying boys from NY, Lakewood, etc, not only out of town. Yes, girls in my city are openminded, and realistic. Boruch Hashem our city has had many simchos this past year to boys from all over- working boys, learning boys… It was especially heartwarming to see so many girls from homes even with limited incomes getting engaged this year, which is why I believe that statistics aren’t everything. I would say to speak to a realistic shadchan. If you want, I can give my email address and I can email the local shadchan agency, which was hired by the dayan in my community to help the girls out. They will be glad to get more names of boys, EVEN if they are working.
    Also I hope I was not bragging that my daughter married a long term learner, it’s just that it was so important to her, she’s willing to live on less, in a simple apartment, just to support her husband in kollel. S They will have to live on a very limited income but it meant so much to her. I think all girls will have to ask themselves how much sacrifice are they willing to do for learning. If the answer is not, they have to be honest and know their limits.
    My friends whose daughters married working or short- term boys, are THRILLED with their sons in law and not thinking they settled in any way.
    Another daughter of mine does not want a learning boy and I will NEVER force her to do so. I will be sensitive to HER needs. We can’t be cookie cutters.
    Anyway, I think I better stop writing since it’s getting too personal but I’d be glad to answer anyone’s questions if they would want to ask me. Maybe some of those working boys should date out of town girls who are more open minded!

  49. Is there anyone reading this who is a ‘working
    boy’ who can say that he’s had a hard time
    due to his working? Please respond, as I know
    plenty of working boys who’ve had as many dates
    as anyone else.

  50. midwesterner

    can i email you as well perhaps my parents will get more use out of your shadchan where you are then over here in New york where all the shadchanim/boy’s parents are concerned with how rich am I?

  51. Marriage quality and duration…… Well, the quality I can attest to, the duration? no, its a big stigma to get divorced. wish it wasnt.

  52. I sure wish we would stop referring to shidduchees as boys and girls. They’re over 20, no? An 11 year old is a boy or girl. No wonder they don’t have any sense of responsibility. We infantilize them. Why plan for a parnassa? Someone else will take care of me. What about in 10 or 20 years? Hashem will take care. Yes He will but all you’ll be able to do is shlep boxes from the truck to the store because that’ll be the only skill you have.

  53. I got the email thats going around and Im forwarding it to all my contacts, every one must see this article. This is the best article ive seen yet representing this arguement.Dont break the chain!

  54. Boys are encouraged/pressured/conditioned to learn until and after they get married.
    Girls are encouraged/pressured/conditioned to want a guy who will learn until and after they get married.
    Boys are tested every day from when they are twelve until they are thirty.
    Girls are tested only once- when they are ready to get married.
    Obviously, more boys drop out then girls.
    A boy who is not cut out to learn will have many opportunities to drop out, his ezer kinegdo will make a one time decision, and likely succumb to peer pressure. So no matter what, there will be more girls looking for learning, than guys cut out for it.


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